Rebecca Syndrome , also known asretroactivejealousy, is a psychological phenomenon that can poison a couple’s life.Characterized by an obsession with one’s partner’s past relationships, this syndrome leads toanxiety, resentment and unhealthy jealousy.
Photo Budgeron Bach
But how does it manifest itself and how can it be overcome? As usual, faithful to my role and full of benevolence, I give you the keys to understanding this disorder and preserving the balance in your relationship.
Destructive jealousy for the modern couple
In today’s society, where social networks expose the smallest details of personal life, the issue of jealousy in couples is more present than ever. At the same time, when you consider the percentage of people who areunfaithful, it’s easy to understand why …
According to the latest stats on infidelity from 2024 ( Kinsey Institute study), 21% of people in monogamous relationships admit to having been cheated on, compared with 16% of married people. Across all types of relationship, 64% of people regret having had an affair. More men than women admitted to having been cheated on (23% vs. 19%). 91% of women admitted to emotional deception, compared to 77% of men. 26% of women used an online service to cheat, versus 21% of men. 72% of men used a one-night stand, versus 53% of women. 33% to 40% of affairs are with a friend, and 29% to 31% with a colleague.
A first! The number of people who have cheated on their spouse has remained more or less the same since the 1990s, with figures of between 15% and 20%. This is down on the mid-1970s, when 41% of men and 25% of women declared they had been unfaithful.
Incidentally, the highest rates of infidelity are found in the USA, Germany, the UK, Brazil and France. Certain professions – such as trades and IT for men, and medicine and education for women – have higher tendencies to cheat. I’m putting this down here.
But is jealousynecessarilylinked to infidelity ?
According to a study carried out in 2023 by IFOP, almost 40% of couples admit to having already been affected by jealousy attacks. While classic jealousy generally concerns current situations, Rebecca Syndrome focuses on the past relationships of one’s partner, creating a real sense of unease in the sufferer.
” I couldn’t stop digging through photos of my partner’s past relationships. I had this constant impression that she was happier with her exes. It was eating me up inside. ” – David, 34.
“ I was constantly comparing myself to my husband’s ex. He talked about her as if she’d been perfect, and it ended up creating tension in our relationship. I felt like I could never measure up. ” – Sophie, 29 years old.
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1. What is Rebecca Syndrome?
This syndrome, also known as “retroactive jealousy”, refers to an irrational obsession with one’s partner’s past romantic relationships. The phenomenon is named after Rebecca, a character in an eponymous novel by Daphne du Maurier, in which the heroine is constantly tormented by the supposed perfection of her husband’s deceased previous wife.
People affected by this syndrome constantly compare themselves to their other half’s ex-partners, imagining that these relationships were more satisfying, intense or idealized. This obsession feeds a cycle of negative thoughts, reinforcing a sense of insecurity and fear of never measuring up.
Photo Gin
2. Rebecca’ s syndrome vs. retroactivejealousy: what are thedifferences?
Although the term “retroactive jealousy” is often used interchangeably with the famous syndrome, there are subtle nuances:
- Retroactivejealousy manifests itself as anxiety about a partner’s past relationships, without necessarily reaching the point of obsession or intense psychological suffering.
- Rebecca Syndrome, on the other hand, goes further, with a sickly fixation on these ex-partners, often leading to self-destructive behaviors such as compulsive searches on social networks or repeated questioning of the partner about the details of past relationships.
3. What are theroot causes ?
Several psychological factors may be at the root of it:
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Lack of self-confidence
People suffering from this syndrome often have low self-esteem. They constantly feel in competition with their partner’s exes, and feel they’re not up to the job.
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Fears ofabandonment
Their jealousy is exacerbated by the fear that their partner may still be emotionally linked to their former loves.
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Constant comparison
In a hyper-connected world, social networks facilitate access to other people’s past lives, feeding this spiral of comparison.
4.Consequences for relationships
Rebecca Syndrome can wreak havoc on a couple’s relationship. Who hasn’t had a partner who’d eat up your life and get on your nerves at the slightest outing, the slightest glance at a woman or a text message received too late for their liking?! Well, if that’s what you’re experiencing right now, I’m telling you, these are red flags, so get out! Otherwise, here are a few common consequences you could be exposed to:
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Constant tension
Insistence on the past leads to repeated arguments. The jealous partner can end up feeling harassed and misunderstood.
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Loss of mutual trust
The person suffering from this syndrome often becomes suspicious, constantly asking for proof of love or assurances that current feelings are stronger than those of the past. In short, they make your life miserable.
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Emotionalisolation
In the long term, the partner affected by retroactive jealousy may choose to shut down emotionally, leading to emotional estrangement.
5. How to overcome Rebecca Syndrome
Retroactive jealousy can be overcome through personal effort and mutual support within the couple. But it takes time and hard work. Here are some recommendations to help you:
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Recognizetheproblem
The first step is to admit that these obsessive thoughts are irrational and harmful. Remember, I’ve already talked to you about toxic relationships…
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Working on self-confidence
Boosting your self-esteem allows you to reduce comparisons with exes and focus on the qualities you bring to the current relationship.
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Communicate openly
The partner needs to be informed of this malaise, but without blaming him or her or demanding endless explanations about his or her love past. Honest, non-accusatory communication helps to defuse tension. Yes, I know, it’s hard. But you can do it.
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Couple or individualtherapy
If jealousy becomes unmanageable, professional help can be helpful. Cognitive therapy can help restructure negative thoughts and adopt a more rational view of things.
Photo Polina Zimmerman
Closing words
Personal work for a more serene relationship. Here’s what you need to keep in mind to solve the problem. Rebecca Syndrome is a real scourge for couples, generating jealousy, insecurity and tension. However, with awareness, self-help and good communication, it’s entirely possible to overcome this ordeal and return to a healthy, fulfilling relationship. If you recognize yourself in this pattern, don’t hesitate to seek help to restore harmony to your love life. Retroactive jealousy is not inevitable. With time, dialogue and the right support, you can regain confidence in yourself and your relationship, without letting the past poison your present. Come on, be strong and courageous!
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