Make no mistake: breaking up is hell. It doesn’t matter whether you were dating your high school sweetheart or a girl you met on Tinder six weeks ago, telling her it’s over is such an agonizing experience for everyone involved that it’s easy to see why Ghosting was invented in the first place.
But as emotional as breakup conversations are, they can actually get worse. There are certain things you can say that are almost guaranteed to inflame tensions, trigger a negative response and ultimately make your final heart-to-heart even worse for both of you, no matter who’s breaking up with whom. So we’ve rounded up all these avoidable phrases here with the help of relationship experts. Keep reading and good luck! And remember: if you think your relationship has what it takes to go further, be sure to read Secrets of the Best Relationships to find out for sure.
1 – “We need to talk…”
Having the famous parting conversation in the first place is one of the trickiest parts of the act. Dr. Nikki Goldstein, sexologist and relationship specialist, starts opening speeches like “Listen, we need to talk” or “You’re a great girl, but…”.
These phrases will set off a panic alarm in your girlfriend’s head and immediately put her on the defensive. “I’d suggest starting the conversation generally, as you would any other day,” says Goldstein. “Then gently say that there’s something you want to talk to her about.”
Goldstein adds that if it’s impossible to tell someone you want to break up abruptly, it’s important to try to be as respectful as possible. And if, conversely, you’re just starting a new relationship, don’t miss the 10 sexiest things to say on a first date.
2 – “You’re not the only one.”
You’ll immediately trigger a strong reaction with this kind of phrase. You should always opt for first-person pronouns to avoid blaming and empathizing with your partner.
For example: “It doesn’t work for me anymore” is a perfectly reasonable statement. Follow the reason why you made this decision, ideally focusing on you and not her. For more great relationship advice, here are 5 ways to tell if she’s “the one”.
3 – “I’m not attracted to you anymore”
While honesty is important, there’s little point in saying you’re no longer attracted to your ex, for example.
He explains that attraction isn’t simply physical and depends on many different variables. In a long-term relationship, loss of attraction is usually linked to an emotional disconnect developed over time. So it’s most helpful to recognize, understand and discuss these aspects of the relationship. If you’re ending a shorter relationship, saying you feel a lack of chemistry is both sincere and kind.
4 – “It’s not you. It’s me.”
No matter how true this may sound, never say such a cliché. It does no good to hear “it’s not you, it’s me” or “you’re perfect, the world is lucky to have you”. These statements make people feel hurt and confused and end up feeling fuzzy. They don’t want to say anything at the end of the day.
Every relationship is unique, so don’t be afraid to spell out the problem. That way, your ex won’t have to wonder what she could have done better, or if things could have been salvaged.
5 – “You’re too bossy…”
Let’s not be petty. Breakups are never easy, so there’s no need to make them worse. Try to avoid statements and comments that could come across as insulting or degrading. Avoid anything directed against his appearance or personality as a reason for ending. There’s always a more pleasant way to send the message you’re trying to get across. For example, if you think she has a domineering personality, say something like “I don’t think our personalities mesh well together”, instead of “You’re domineering and I can’t take it anymore”.
6 – “I hate you.”
It’s very easy to take it out on the other person if you get dumped. But you’ll regret it later.
It’s undeniably painful when someone you care about makes the unilateral decision to leave your life. The immediate shock of abandonment can send signals to your nervous system that mimic those of a physical threat, resulting in a fight-or-flight response and a compromised ability to regulate your emotions. And in this state, all sorts of regrettable things can be said, shouted or hurled.
If you find that your emotions are decisive, take your time, concentrating on your breathing and taking the time to react.
7 – “I’m just not ready for something this serious.”
This statement is disingenuous and your partner will definitely hear the two missing words at the end (“I’m just not ready for something that serious with you “)
Instead of saying this, tell your future ex something more specific that you need to focus on. Also, highlight how you feel unable to meet her needs. Help her be honest with herself and recognize that things probably aren’t perfect from her point of view either. She may still feel crushed and rejected, but this will help her understand that she deserves something more fulfilling too.
8 – “I don’t want to hurt you.”
If you end a relationship, there’s a very good chance you’re going to hurt the other party. Assume the emotions you’re feeling. Not only that, but admit the fact that what you’re doing will cause negative feelings for the other person too. Let the other person talk and listen to what they have to say and how they feel. If she’s sad, reassure her and tell her that even if it didn’t work out, she has a bright future ahead of her.
9 – “Maybe we can work things out in the future.”
Yes, sometimes couples get back together, but it’s certainly not the norm. While it may be tempting, you want to avoid leaving the other person with a sense of false hope. Often, people do this to protect the feelings of the person they’re breaking up with, but if you’re really sure you don’t want to be together anymore, don’t send mixed messages. It’s just cruel.
10 – “I hope we can be friends.”
Breaking up is certainly not the right time to broach this subject. It depends on the situation. But to really get over an ex, a friendship with her might not be the best option. You can keep the lines of communication open in the weeks following the breakup. But you certainly shouldn’t talk frequently.
If you feel you need a coffee now and then or a chat on the phone, that’s fine, but it should only be once in a while, and quick and casual.
